Silence is NOT Golden: 5 Helps When Silence Hits Your Marriage

The question driving today blog: Is your heart for your marriage stronger than your silence?

Isaiah 62:1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, And for Jerusalem’s sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning.

Silence can be good.  Small increments of silence are gifts.  Whether it’s for prayer or just to simply gather your thoughts, silence can be refreshing (especially if you have little ones…been there, bought the t-shirt, had a baby throw up on the t-shirt).  You’ve heard the cliché, “Silence is golden.” But strategic silence against your partner for the purpose of anger, resentment, and/or punishment is destructive.  Hear this from the pro at the “silent treatment” (me).

Just the other day, Anne approached me on the subject. She’s reading Jen Hatmaker’s book, “For the Love” and gave me an amazing quote from Jen.

Truthfulness hurts for a minute; silence is the kill-shot.  My resentment built a stonewall; my voicing it began crumbling the divide.

It confirmed what I’ve come to see from my own life and years of working with couples: Strategic silence is deadly.  So many couples are concerned about talking about certain subjects.  Some are afraid to bring things up fearing the outcome.  Ladies and gentlemen, this ought not to be.  If you want to be healthy, don’t be as concerned about the talked as you should be when the talking stops.

Here’s a few practical thoughts:

1 – Suck up your stubbornness and break the silence!  The pain of speaking to an awkward or painful subject doesn’t compare to what your silence is doing to your marriage. A silent issue does not equate to a solved issue.  I liken it to a sliver.  Just because it stopped bothering you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remove it.  Waiting and/or ignoring just invites infection AND more pain than necessary.

2 – Make an appointment with your spouse! It’s so practical yet so overlooked.  You both need to be position to give your undivided attention to the conversation without distractions. You’re kids don’t need to hear your conversation.  Your friends and family don’t need to be a part of your biz (this should be its own blog).  Keep your social media “friends” out of it (another blog idea). Keep this between you two and have it done so that you can focus on the conversation.

3 – Don’t get tired of breeching the same subject. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times, “We’ve talked about this before.” My admonishment: Don’t stop.  If you’ve dealt with it, then keep talking BUT change your approach. Restart the conversation but brainstorm a different solution.  If that doesn’t work, invite a Christ-centered counselor. Just don’t stop the conversation because you think you’re at an impasse.  Calling it an “impasse” is pronouncing it “impossible.” Don’t give up hope.  If you’ve got Christ AND a teachable heart, all things are possible.

4 – Taking a “time out” is healthy but doesn’t end the conversation. Time outs are good when tempers flair. Requesting one can be good for:
– Relaxing and calming down.
– Doing something that will get you to decompress. Perhaps you ladies want to hit the speed bag or go for a fun. Maybe you guys want a bubble bath with Kenny G playing in the background.
– Remembering what is important.
– Praying for humility, patience, and wisdom.
NOTE: When the time out is done, resume the conversation.  Just because you have decompressed, don’t let the talk go back into silence.  Resume and resolve.

5 – Remember: The priority isn’t striving a personal win. Humility and teamwork from both of you will pay huge dividends for your marriage. When selfishness and maliciousness are set aside, casualties are few and far between.  Marital “wins” result in successes for the marriage itself.  They’re rarely one-sided. I say it so many times in premarital counseling, “A win for the ‘we’ is always a win for ‘me.’ But going after a win for ‘me’ isn’t going to be a win for the ‘we.'”

Isaiah 62:1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, And for Jerusalem’s sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning.

Victory, provision, blessing, and destiny for Israel were intrinsically connected to God’s silence.  They were a broken and lost nation.  God had REPEATING reached out to them.  Through prophets, the conversation was extended over and over.  In my own flesh, I wondered why God put up with them.  But out of His deep love for them, God refused to remain quiet.  He knew his shattering the silence would revive the wayward nation giving them a new identity.

Is your heart for your marriage stronger than your silence? If you’ll walk in humility, break the silence, you’ll have an opportunity to speak victory, provision, blessing, and destiny into your marriage.

Step up. Speak up.  Break the silence.

Thanks for letting me ramble…

2 Minute Devos: Crash – Day 21

Welcome to “Crash”…every day:

Glorify God.
Pray over the daily prayer point.
Pray for the lost.
Today’s Scripture: Luke 18:35-43

As he drew near to Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. 36 And hearing a crowd going by, he inquired what this meant. 37 They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” 38 And he cried out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 39 And those who were in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 40 And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be brought to him. And when he came near, he asked him, 41 “What do you want me to do for you?” He said, “Lord, let me recover my sight.” 42 And Jesus said to him, “Recover your sight; your faith has made you well.” 43 And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him, glorifying God. And all the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God.

Crash Prayer Card 4


2 Minute Devo: “Shhhhhhh” Psalm 141:3

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August is our journey through the 2 minute series called “Watch Your Mouth”.  I want to invite you to join me as we. It’s as simple as viewing  the vlog and reading the passage for the day.  Today’s passage is Psalm 141:3:

Psalm 141:3

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

2 Minute Devo: “Mouths Shut” Proverbs 11:22

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August is our journey through the 2 minute series called “Watch Your Mouth”.  I want to invite you to join me as we. It’s as simple as viewing  the vlog and reading the passage for the day.  Today’s passage is Proverbs 11:22:

Proverbs 11:12

Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.

Sex Position: Developing a heathy marital stance on intimacy.


Don’t worry.  It’s okay to read this. Why?  Sex is a gift from God and it cannot be ignored. We’re going to focus this months marriage blogs on the subject of sex.  If you want a good start to a bible study on it,  check out: 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, Genesis 1, Song of Solomon.

Be quiet, my friend. You can't tell my secrets.

Some couples feel dirty talking about it. Spouses have been shut down for bringing it up.  People  have been scolded by their mate for trying to deal with it.  Pursuing creativity in it has labeled spouses as perverts.  Frustration and frigidness has fill our beds…

Yet, it seems, silence is the answer.

“If I ignore it, he/she will get over it. It’s just not as important to me as it is to her/him.”

People feel silence is the cold shower that will dampen the conversation in hopes that the moment will pass. Spouses refuse to respond to the libido of the other considering their drive foolishness and unimportant.  But it’s more than a moment turned away.

Someone has been rejected.  Someone is left unfulfilled.

Even deeper: Someone has been left with an emptiness that the enemy would love to use as a place to seed bitterness, hurt, and temptation. John 10:10 tells us the Devil would love to do nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy you…especially in your marriage bed.  He would love to devour you with dissatisfaction and resentment.

The problem: Couples don’t have a sex position. I’m not talking about a positioning of your bodies during intimacy.  I’m talking about you and your spouse having a healthy stance/position that fosters unity, communication, and frequency.

TRUTH: People are not too busy and shy to deal with sexual issues…they don’t care enough about their spouse to make it a priority. I don’t say that to berate you.  I say that to challenge you to shatter the silence.

In today’s blog, I want to give you some dangers to sexual silence

1 – It’s a breach of your vows. The covenant where you gave of yourself to your spouse before God and man is being fractured by the silence.  Silence doesn’t speak of shyness.  It says my feelings matter more than yours.
2 – You’re dismissing your mate. You’re telling your spouse to deal with it on their own. Better yet, you’re empowering them to get help from someone else. TRUTH: Marriage issues are never a “me” issue.  Marriage issues are a “we” issue.
3 – You’ve given the Devil ammo.  You send your spouse away unfulfilled. More than that, you’ve set a target on your marriage.  Don’t give the enemy a single inch
4 -You’re rejecting God’s design.    Silence and refusal to foster a healthy stance/position is to reject God’s design for you and your spouse to be sexually fulfilled. That oneness happens between the two of you.  To purposefully bring separation is to purposefully transgress what God has set up for you two.

Is your spouse sexually fulfilled?  Is he/she getting the most out of your intimacy? Is the subject ever brought up?

If your answer is “I don’t know” or “that’s not important” or even “no”, then I assume you don’t have a “Sex Position (stance)”?

1 – Talk about it.  Be open and honest.  You spouse is the person that you can be physically naked with as well as emotionally, mentally, and spiritually naked with. Remember God’s design: Genesis 2:25, they were naked and unashamed.
2 – If there’s been past hurt and/or rejection.  Seek forgiveness.  Give forgiveness.
3 – Pray together.  Pray about it.  God’s not embarrassed.  He made it for you.
4 – Come to agreement on it.  Be in unity.  Where there’s unity, God commands his blessing…yes even in the marriage bed. (Ps. 133)
5 – Practice it. Have fun.

Thanks for letting me ramble…