The New Norm. 20 Lessons on Our 20th Anniversary

As usual, I like to write marriage blog commemorating milestones and moments. And for today, our 20th anniversary, I wanted to address something that, I hope, will encourage and perhaps give some couples a feeling of liberty.

Quite often we get messages that say, “I just want things they way they used to be.” Usually, it’s because something has transpired in the marriage that it makes someone (or both spouses) miss what they considered “normal.”

It makes me think of Uncle Rico spending his life trying to get back the “old days” of what he thought he had. 

This experience is not exclusive to a “type of person,” generation, or a vintage of a marriage. It’s very common response to what happens when a man and woman go through this journey called “marriage.” We desire to “go back” to something that feels “normal.”

How does this change happen? The flow of life got interrupted, a situation developed, or a challenging circumstance manifested itself. For you, it could be a number of things. Maybe a change in a spouse’s health. An unexpected development in your relationship. Perhaps it is a shift in vocation. It could be a change in the season of life you find yourselves in. Change will always be a threat to comfort. The issue of “change” will attack the “norm.”

Anne and I get it. Our marriage was shaken up at the birth of our daughter just a year and a half into marriage. What little “normal” we knew was already removed. Everything “normal” was out the window. And we discovered that marriage wasn’t about fighting to get back what we thought had but to move forward together with what we have.  

We call it, finding the “new norm.”

So today, I thought I’d give you 20 areas we’ve had to discover the new “norm” in our 20 years of marriage. We had to discover the new norm in…

  1. Expressing and receiving “love.” Our love languages changed dramatically when Cammi was born. It takes careful evaluation and intention to keep up with the changes.
  2. Having fun as a couple. We’ve had to work hard finding things we like doing together as a couple. What was fun five years ago may not be as exciting as it used to be. We need to keep trying and discovering what is fun for the both of us. 
  3. Navigating our spiritual lives. We have felt the pressure to “keep up” with a standard or do what other couples do. Anne and I love the same worship styles but do our Word and prayer times differently.
  4. Working through disagreement. We’ve learned that disagreement doesn’t mean “disunity.” We have a unified heart but sometimes different opinions. Instead of trying to benefit selfishly, we work for the good of other.
  5. Changing of Jobs. We’ve changed jobs (location, home, etc) three times in 20 years. Each job has introduced a new approach that has affected the entire family.
  6. Communicating our expectations. 20 years ago, we’d drop hints then get mad when the other didn’t “catch” what we were hinting. We love talking on Sunday evenings about our week so that neither one of us is caught off guard about what’s happening. It’s taken a lot of stress and confusion out of our lives.
  7. Expressing criticism in marriage. We believe in encouragement sandwiches. Every criticism must be sandwiched between two encouragements. But in the same vein…
  8. Being an active encourager. Encouragement isn’t saved for criticisms. Nobody will out-encourage us when it comes to our spouse. Nobody.
  9. Finding our sexual frequency. Navigating with different libidos (sex drives) and expectations wasn’t without a few frustrations. But there’s a difference in failing at trying and failing to try. As a husband with a high libido, I need to make sure that my affection isn’t laced with sexual expectation. As someone with a low libido, Anne would say (in her own words), “I am the only one gifted to satisfy my husband.” Keep talking. Keep loving. And keep getting naked.
  10. Experiencing grief. Anne lost a few family members in the first couple years of marriage. Most of mine have been in the past decade. Grief not only challenges you in the moment but it makes you evaluate how to move ahead.
  11. Parenting our children. We’ve learned to change, not who we are, but how we parent our children based upon them and the season they go through. Cammi and Ethan are vastly different and, therefore, need to be parented a bit different. The principles are the same; the methods vary. Which leads me to…
  12. The change in family dynamics. We’ve had one high school graduation and we’re 3 years away from an empty nest. It’s hits us hard at varying times. We’ve learned not to look down on each other but to be there for each other.
  13. Dealing with heartache. Our role as pastors can invite heartache. I can put up a good front, but I take the loss of church attendees to heart and criticism very hard. Anne digests it different. But again, we refuse to allow the other to journey through heartache alone.
  14. The role of hobbies. Hobbies in marriage are an enriching outlet, not a beast of burden. 20 years ago, video games were great for me, Anne scrapbooked. Today, Anne loves to workout and I love to rock climb. We do it when it fits best for our marriage so that it doesn’t take away from it.
  15. The evolution of friendships. One of the hardest things is to navigate friendships. God has brought a number of people into our lives and it’s always pained us to see circumstances and seasons change the nature and scope of those friendships. Though our “closeness” is different, our love for them hasn’t changed.
  16. The necessity of “time outs.” Like a boxer sitting down between rounds, we have embraced the art of the “time out.” There’s huge value to ceasing from a fight and take a few minutes (or an hour) to cool down to remember why you’re fighting and what is ultimately important in the marriage.
  17. Developing a thicker skin. We have learned to stop looking to get offended so easily because we’ve learned to trust the heart of our spouse. If we don’t understand what’s taken place, we’ve leaned on the heart that we know and love. But in a similar vein…
  18. We look to laugh. Laughter has been the drug of choice in our house. We are hooked on making each other laugh. In fact, having an atmosphere of laughter helps us to see what things we need to truly take serious.
  19. Margin is not a luxury. Boredom, downtime, and fun is the space by which we catch our breath. The reason why too many marriages are lifeless is because they’re running without any margin (rest, recreation, and relationships).
  20. Learning isn’t optional. The only thing “normal” about your marriage is change. Which means that you can’t afford to stop learning. You both will change by nature of the seasons you go through as a couple and as individuals. Don’t stop being a student of your spouse. Be an avid learner and grow through the changes.

How can you approach where you find yourself now? It’s by first taking where you are and what you are doing and submitting it to the Lord. I love The Message’s paraphrase of Romans 12,

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Stop trying to recreate what you had and give what you have to the Lord. Like the boy who gave Jesus what he had so that a miracle could be performed, give the Lord what your marriage has. Let Him make something beautiful and majestic out of what you currently possess.

Why try to reclaim what you had when, in Christ, the best has yet to come?

Love you all. Praying for you all as you discover the “new norm” for your marriage.

Encourage effort.
Celebrate progress.
Feed hope.

To my wife, thanks for letting me ramble these past 20 years…

I love you.

BTW: Check out my book. Click on the link below.

Kissing Lessons

BARRINGER0039

To quote Porthos in the “Three Musketeers,” he told D’Artagnan “The secret…is in the first kiss for in that first kiss a lasting impression is made. Right, ladies? If it is weak she’ll think you’re weak. If it is comical she’ll think you’re a clown. (…) And as a musketeer is never weak and only rarely a clown you’re first kiss must be all the things that you are.”

Hershey's_kiss_stamp

Ain’t gonna lie..I like kissing. Like many men, physical touch is my top love language.  Anne knows it’s the language that gets my attention. But today, we’re approaching kissing from two thoughts.

1. The physical kiss cannot be neglected. 

There’s something that I picked up from my parents.  It’s a TRUTH you should live by as a parent: Grossing out your kids is a parental right. 

(Disclaimer: Notice I said “grossing out your kids” not “grossing them by groping your spouse in front of them.” You don’t want to scar your kids. Save the groping for after they go to bed.)

They will hate seeing affection.  They will roll their eyes.  They will complain. And one day, they will thank you for it.  Why you may ask?  Because there will never be a doubt about how you two feel about each other.

Song of Solomon 1:2 [ The Bride Confesses Her Love ] [ She ] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine

Kissing your spouse  often shows:
1 – A healthy example of affection in marriage.  Don’t be afraid to kiss him/her in public.  I’m not asking you to make out during church.  But some couples keep their affection so private that I have to wonder if there is any attraction between the two.
2 – Passion. It keeps things spicy and alive. It’s a valve within your marriage that allows affection to flow freely. The more you hamper the kiss, the more you suppress passion.
3 – A singularity of the heart. The kiss shouldn’t be taken for granted.  A frequent kiss is the reminder that he/she still holds your heart.

now to the other thought…

2. Honesty is as intimate as kissing. 

Proverbs 24:26 Whoever gives an honest answer kisses the lips.

My dad taught me something a long time ago.  Trust is fragile.  If it’s broken, it take time to repair.  My twist to his wisdom has been, “Trust is like fine china…if it’s broken, it takes work, patience, and time to put it back together.” Why does it take time? Because the lack of honesty has brought brokeness to the intimacy.

Lack of honesty leads to broken trust.
Broken trust leads to shallow intimacy…or none at all.
No intimacy leads to emptiness….a void.

Without the “honesty” being humbly dealt with…the emptiness leads individuals on a search to fill in the void.  If the void isn’t filled by the spouse as God has designed it, there will be temptation to fill it with something else.

To be a couple that specializes in “kissing,” according to Prov. 24:26, is a couple that seeks to bring truth and honesty into their union. Honesty can be difficult.  Why? Honest can hurt.  Honest exposes what needs to be done/said and not necessarily what the spouse wants to hear. Here’s some tips: 

1 – Timing.  Look for the appropriate time to make sure the distractions are at a minimal.
2 – Tones. Use tones that your spouse isn’t going to reject.  You know them well enough.  Speak in a manner that they are going to receive what you’re are saying.
3 – Tact. If the honesty is a criticism, don’t walk into the situation just to “blow them out of the water.” Use tact. Ask yourself how you would want the comment/communication if it was you.
4 – Temptation. There’s a temptation to ignore certain subjects because of fear.  Remember, to ignore honesty is to invite brokeness.
5 – Treat. (I was trying to think of another word with the letter “T”) To treat a wound is to deal with it in a healing way.  You properly care for it to foster healing and care.

Whether it is the physical kiss or communicating honesty in your marriage, kissing is important to the health and vitality of your marriage. If you are lacking in either, don’t wait.  Don’t put it off.  It won’t take care of its self.

Grab your spouse and kiss em…

Take your marriage, and pour out honesty and truth…

Thanks for letting me ramble…