Marriage Mondays: 3 Ways We Can Play fair

So I thought I’d try something new.

For the past 5 years-ish, I’ve reserved most of my marriage blogging for Fridays as people are heading into the weekend. So I thought, like a good cup of Costa Rican coffee on Monday morning, I’d start off the week with a simple marital challenge. So today, I thought I’d break down this week’s challenge to two words:

Play fair.

What often happens in marriage is what can happen in life. We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and our spouse by his/her actions.

Play fair.

A question I tend to ask couples in this place of tension is, “Do you trust your spouse’s heart? Do you believe he/she loves you?” If the answer is “no,” then there are other issues at hand. If the answer is “yes,” then my reply is simple: Then see his/her actions through those intentions and show the same grace you show yourself. Sometimes, the action holds more ignorance then intention; sometimes the heart was right but the method was not.

How much conflict do we entertain because we want grace for ourselves but justice for others? We allow ourselves space to work through our own issues but zero margin for our spouse.

Play fair.

“From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.” John 1:16

How do we navigate through this? Let’s make it as simple as A-B-C.

A – Ask clarifying questions.
Where the “A” you used to respond with was “Assume,” stop and ask your spouse about what you just experienced. Instead of jumping to imaginary conclusions, ask about the action(s) you just experienced with the same level of grace that Christ gave you. “I don’t understand what just happened. Help me understand…?” The beauty of verbalizing this as a question is, first, it gets you to think before you respond and second, it helps your spouse to own their actions. Sometimes, people don’t understand what their actions do. And even if they do, this gives them a chance to own their issues.

B – Be open to your spouse’s perspective.
Slip inside their skin and see things from their perspective. This doesn’t excuse behavior but it may explain it. And an explanation can bring understanding. Maybe their behavior wasn’t wrong at all but it stirred up a hurt from your past. Perhaps because expectations were not clarified, he/she didn’t realize an expectation wasn’t met. Don’t assume you are always in the right and/or don’t defend your “rightness” because you don’t want to be humble with your spouse. Make sure you show value to your spouse’s perspective with the same level that you expect for yours.

“But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.” James 4:6

C – Confront with grace.
If the grace of God is not our default, it’ll cause more fracture than we anticipated. Grace is what steadies our hands and hearts so that we can build, adjust, and reinforce our marriage. But a misunderstanding about “grace” is that people see it as passive. I see it as aggressive. Grace doesn’t ignore or hide issues, it gives us the mindset and strategy to deal with them. It positions us for the greater health of the marriage and glorification of Jesus.

Today, stop judging yourself by your intentions and your spouse by his/her actions. Play fair.

Love you all. Praying for you.

Encourage effort.
Celebrate progress.
Feed hope.

Thanks for letting me ramble…

BTW: Check out my book. Click on the link below.

2 Minute Devo Series: Book of Matthew Day 21

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Welcome to our 2 Minute Devos. This month we’re going through the Book of Matthew. Take the time to read through the passage of the day and listen to the 2 Minute Devo.

Matthew 20

English Standard Version (ESV)

Laborers in the Vineyard

20 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius[a] a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, and to them he said, ‘You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing. And he said to them, ‘Why do you stand here idle all day?’ They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You go into the vineyard too.’ And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.’ And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. 10 Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. 11 And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, 12 saying, ‘These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’ 13 But he replied to one of them,‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? 14 Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. 15 Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?’[b] 16 So the last will be first, and the first last.”

Jesus Foretells His Death a Third Time

17 And as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside, and on the way he said to them, 18 “See, we are going up to Jerusalem. And the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and scribes, and they will condemn him to death 19 and deliver him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified, and he will be raised on the third day.”

A Mother’s Request

20 Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came up to him with her sons, and kneeling before him she asked him for something. 21 And he said to her, “What do you want?” She said to him, “Say that these two sons of mine are to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom.” 22 Jesus answered, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?” They said to him, “We are able.” 23 He said to them, “You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.” 24 And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers. 25 But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,[c] 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,[d] 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Jesus Heals Two Blind Men

29 And as they went out of Jericho, a great crowd followed him. 30 And behold, there were two blind men sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was passing by, they cried out, “Lord,[e] have mercy on us, Son of David!” 31 The crowd rebuked them, telling them to be silent, but they cried out all the more, “Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!” 32 And stopping, Jesus called them and said, “What do you want me to do for you?” 33 They said to him, “Lord, let our eyes be opened.” 34 And Jesus in pity touched their eyes, and immediately they recovered their sight and followed him.