Anniversary Thoughts: 19 Lessons from 19 Years of Marriage

Today is our anniversary. And as a tradition, on May 23, I do a bit of a blog to honor the bride that agreed to journey life with me. But before the list comes out, I need to give you some background to what stirred this blog.

 

 

On Sunday, I was preaching, perhaps, one of my favorite messages I’ve preached in a long time. Anger is something that, I feel, I should probably do an entire series upon as it’s something we all deal with now and will continue to deal with.

During my message, I stated that there are two types of angry people: Exploders (you explode with anger) and Imploders (you suppress your anger). Then, I asked people to raise hands on the one they identified with. I started by saying,

“Any exploders in the house? Anne, make sure you raise your hand (which she did). Any imploders? I’m one of them (in which I raised my hand). “

People laughed  because, well, it was a humorous moment. Anne and I don’t mind being vulnerable to people, which entails sharing our faults. But what followed after service was quite surprising. There were more than a few people approaching Anne almost offended for her. They were asking if what I said, embarrassed her or made her mad.

Her reply was priceless,

If little things like that set you off, you have deeper issues than that.

It wasn’t said with any type mockery or sarcasm but with a strong confidence. In one simple statement, maturity and wisdom were conveyed and no place was open for the devil to have a foothold. I can’t say it was that way when we started 19 years ago. But there have been some habits (practices) that we’ve been working on for the past (almost) two decades that have helped us have such a rapport that we can have fun and not allow the little things to steal the joy of our marriage.

So here we go, 19 lessons that has helped give us thick skin, healthy hearts, and deep love.

  1. We assume the best in each other. 
    • It is the ONLY kind of assumption we allow in our marriage.
  2. Date days are never optional. 
    • Couples that “lost the feeling of love” have stopped feeding the feeling by not dating. I may sound like a broken record, but till every couple engages in consistent dating, we’ll keep talking about it.
  3. Ice cream is the best way to end anything.
    • From ending a day to ending an argument, ice cream is something we indulge in. Most people avoid things that leave a bad taste on the palettes of their hearts. So if you have a sweet ending to something, you won’t be afraid to revisit it because you ended it well.
  4. We recommend resources to each other. 
    • From books to podcasts, when one of us recommends something, the other doesn’t get defensive. We look out for each other and that includes our spiritual growth.
  5. We refuse to try to read each other’s minds. 
    • Anne and I know each other pretty good after 19 years of marriage and 3 years of dating. But we still don’t assume we know everything the other is thinking. The minute we start doing that is the moment we stop communicating. And that’s a bad place.
  6. Celebration is about not about a “date.” 
    • Right now, it’s our anniversary and we’re at a conference. Believe me, we’d love to be able to celebrate a holiday or event on the exact date, but sometimes it doesn’t happen. We have to remember: It’s the moment that is special, not the date on the calendar.
  7. We keep real issues out of the hands of others. 
    • What you see from us on social media is the silly and the inspirational. Why don’t we post about our arguments and issues? First, because it’s none of your business and second, we want to work on it together without outside interference. Don’t worry, once we’ve learned, it usually becomes a marriage blog later when we can laugh about it. Which leads to #8…
  8. Our faults and failures build bridges. 
    • We don’t mind sharing the stupid things we do and the lessons we’ve learned. I’d rather share in order to prevent someone some pain than hear about it later knowing we could have helped in some way.
  9. Sex is like…
    • I was going to say “like cheese” but that’d mean it stinks with time. I’d say “like wine” but it get better with time but you can’t partake of it for years to enjoy it. I could say “like candy” but you can get sick from it….hmmmm….how about: Sex get’s better the more practice you give it and the importance you place upon it.
  10. Encouragement is the breath in our marriage.
    • We refuse to let someone out-encourage us when it comes to each other.
  11. We don’t have to like the same things. 
    • Outside of Jesus and enjoying laughing together, there is nothing compatible about us. It has nothing to do about being opposites; it’s about being different. And the differences make us work harder. And the harder we work together, the stronger and deeper things get.
  12. Laughter is a non-negotiable. 
    • I’m convinced that no couple laughs more than we do. It’s not that we don’t take things seriously. But having a “merry heart” positions our mind to know what to take serious and what to not take too serious.
  13. The changing of the seasons brings changes. 
    • Every season your marriage (and you as a human) goes through can dramatically change you both. From love languages to sex drives to attitudes, don’t forget to continue to be a life-long student of your spouse.
  14. Our church community energizes us. 
    • We don’t expect perfection from a community that isn’t perfect and they don’t expect it from us (cause they’re not going to get perfection). Anne and I authentically look forward to engaging with the Kfirst community in worship and in service to those around us. We get energized from watching the presence of God touch lives.
  15. There’s no such thing as “Dave’s problems” or “Anne’s problems”; There’s only “our problems.” 
    • We choose to believe the scriptures when it’s stated, “the two becomes one.” Anne and I refuse to look at each other and say, “well that’s your problem, not mine.” If it’s a problem for one, we refuse to let each other journey alone in it. We are one.
  16. I still hate tomatoes; Anne doesn’t like Tuna Helper.
    • There are some things that haven’t changed about us in the past 19 years. We don’t try to change each other to what we prefer; we work on letting the Holy Spirit be the changing agent. So it isn’t about getting my spouse to be who I think they should be. It’s about being open to the Holy Spirit’s moving in our lives.
  17. We cultivate the presence of God. 
    • We don’t do our “devotional” time with God as if it’s been checked off a daily list. Our personal relationship with Christ is cultivated throughout the day in prayer, time in the Word, and interaction with people.
  18. We are always looking to grow. 
    • After 19 years, we feel we’ve only just begun. And each season we hit we understand how much more we need to grow in the Lord and in love for each other. It seems the longer we are together, the easier it is to take each other for granted. So we’ve determined to keep growing and not allow contempt to foster itself.
  19. The best has YET to come.
    • This statement isn’t cliché to us; it’s the prophetic statement over our lives that we see a fuller life together because Christ leads us from glory to glory.

Happy Anniversary babe. No one loves you like I do. Here’s to the continued journey we have and MANY more lessons to learn. There’s no one I’d rather do life with.

Thank you for encouraging my effort.
Thank you for celebrating our progress.
Thank you for always feeding hope.

 

Oh yeah….Thanks for letting me ramble for the past 19 years…

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