Lingerie is meant for one thing: attraction…
…and the attraction it was designed for is meant to lead to intimacy.
Anne will say, it doesn’t take much to attract me to her. It could be the “typical man” type of mindset, but I began to ask myself the other side of that: what repels me? What turns me off? What spoils the beauty of an individual?
What I feel the Lord dropped in my heart was so simple.
I looked at Anne this morning said, “I’ve got it. Words are ‘the lingerie of life.'” She looked a bit confused and slightly concerned over my mental state. I went on to explain, when our words are poured out to our spouses, it can make us to most appealing, attractive individual. It becomes a “turn on” to our spouse. I’m not saying there’s immediate sexual desire that stirs. But there is an emotional intimacy that connects to our spouse’s heart that draws them to you.
Since the blog, “Seducing your spouse with the five senses,” I have pondered breaking each of the senses down periodically over the next year. (I’ve also ponder writing a book with the same name.) I have been thinking about attacking the issue of our words. While mulling this blog over, it was just a few days ago when a friend, that is passionate about marriage, sent out the tweet:
“Make love with your words outside the bedroom. That really helps during love-making in the bedroom.”
It was confirmation of what I wanted to deal with today. We need to have marriages that will foster love and intimacy with their words. They need to see their communication (verbal and nonverbal) are more intertwined with the bedroom than they thought.
Have you ever met someone who became the most unattractive and unappealing person by their words. I recall my single life when I would see a young lady that, outwardly, was attractive to me only to be turned off by what came out of her mouth. To put the shoe on the other foot, I wonder how many times I repelled a young lady away by some of the words/phrases I used. Our words are more powerful than what we give them credit for.
It becomes a confusing state. In our minds, the other person is surface attractive…BUT something about their words (tones, mannerisms, phrases, character issues) is transforming them before our eyes into something that repels us away. It is truly unfolding what the scripture says in Matthew 12:34, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Our words bring to fruition what lie beneath our surface.
I heard, years ago, that sex begins in the kitchen (actually, it’s a best-selling book). I’m not talking about locations for you and your spouse to make love. I’m talking about how intimacy begins from the moment you wake up. Why the kitchen? That’s where people are, on the most part, fully awake having breakfast. I’ll admit, Anne and I don’t talk much in the morning till we are fully awake. It’s like a scene from “The Walking Dead” where two zombies are wandering till showers and caffeine kick in. But when we do begin to talk…that’s where our intimacy begins. Again, couples, especially men, have to get out of their minds that intimacy is when the lights turn off and you are under the covers.
There is so much dysfunction in marriages when it comes to attraction. On one hand, you’ve got on spouse who can be turned on at a moment’s notice regardless of the day or time. On the other hand, the other is in no mood because the “abundance of the heart” of their spouse has been on display all day and has made that him the most unappealing individual. Once we close the door, we assume it’s time for intimacy. Most don’t realize, if that’s when you’re ready to foster intimacy, you are a number of hours too late.
I believe that you and I can foster and atmosphere of intimacy and attractiveness in our marriage by having naked conversations. Before you freak out and I now become your husband’s favorite pastor by encouraging nudity, I’ll explain what I mean. Genesis 2:25 says Adam and Eve were “naked and unashamed.” There, consistently, was nothing hidden in their marriage. Everything about them was open to see. Put your defenses down and have consistent, open, and honest communication. By raising up conversational walls/barriers between you and your spouse, you will cover the openness/nakedness that your marriage was meant to have. I’ll give you a TRUTH: Without talking, your marriage will not survive. The more you openly communicate, the closer you will be. Here’s some helpful tips:
1. Timing is everything. When you reconnect with your spouse at the end of a workday, don’t launch into your frustrating day immediately. Intimacy is just like good comedy…it’s all about timing. Let the moments create conversational opportunities and flow.
2. Do some spouse reconnoissance?. Reconnaissance is a mission to obtain information by visual observation or other detection methods. Find out what humor’s your spouse and look for ways to insert humor into your conversations. What do they like to talk about? What do they see as fun? Don’t have your conversations be “all business” (kids, finances, mother-in-law, etc). When Anne knows there’s a significant game on tv, she’ll ask about it even though she doesn’t care about sports. She cares because I care. It means the world to me.
2. Provide emotional support, validation, and compliments. If you don’t feel that you spouse likes and respects you, there will not be a strong connection. You have to lift each other up and let each other know the depth of your caring. He/she needs to know you care. How do emotional affairs start? When someone at home ceases to care and opens up the job to someone else to care. Don’t be that husband/wife who does that!!! No one will should out-compliment me when it comes to Anne. No one should beat me as her biggest supporter.
3. Don’t be afraid to get “dirty”…but be careful. Being great roommates just won’t cut it. There has to be the desire to be together as a couple. Sensuality is a great part of a healthy marriage. I use the word “dirty” but there’s nothing wrong/dirty about it. The desire you have for sensuality is God-given. He designed you that way. But remember: there’s a time and place. At the dinner table in front of the kids? Unless you want them to go into counseling…please save it for a more appropriate time. You may think the spark has gone, but there are too many ways conversationally to rekindle it. Send messages (please be careful) to your spouse. It’ll make them come home earlier than expected. Make your spouse feel like the most attractive person alive. Let him/her know you still desire them. All you have to do is try.
4. Be humble…always. Express Compassion, repentance, acceptance, and forgiveness. Humility will show you the way through difficult seasons. Humility is sexy. As your marriage grows, there will be losses, challenges, and some things that you just can’t fix in your own power. Dealing with the storms together is a big part of what relationships are all about. We all mess up. Learning to understand and let go of mistakes that you or your spouse make will turn your life around and foster more time for joy.
5. Pray together. It doesn’t have to be a prayer that recaps the entire Pentateuch. Keep it simple. Create moments when there is conversational intimacy that involves you, your spouse, and the Lord. He established the institution of marriage. It’s only right to keep him in our conversational intimacy. Spiritual intimacy becomes the fuel for deeper emotional and physical intimacy. It reconnects you to the One you were designed to be in fellowship with and opens up depths to the rest of our oneness with our spouse.
Keep growing your intimacy. Keep up the pursuit of your spouse. Don’t forget the lingerie (referring to this article).
Thanks for letting me ramble…