2 Minute Devo: What are you thinking Day 18

We’re focusing on what the Bible says about the “mind” and how that affects us.  Spend time on the devo and take a minute or two to ponder what the Word is challenging you to do.

Matthew 5:27-28

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

You may already know that October is Breast Cancer awareness month. There is a group doing a special event auctioning three unique pieces of furniture. All the proceeds of the sale will go towards Breast Cancer awareness charities.
You can see the details here:
http://www.regencyshop.com/charity-auction.html

2 Minute Devo: What are you thinking Day 6

We’re focusing on what the Bible says about the “mind” and how that affects us.  Spend time on the devo and take a minute or two to ponder what the Word is challenging you to do.

James 1:5-8

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

You’ll never be the perfect spouse…so stop trying.

Maybe you provided the perfect date.  Perhaps you found the perfect gift.  Possibly, you cleaned up the house for your spouse to come home perplexed in surprise over what was done without asking. You spoke the love language of your spouse flawlessly.  You stand there in your cape taking in the glory of your title.   Other spouses envy/hate you for what your spouse posts about you on social media.  You stand back in the glory of what you feel you’ve become.

The perfect spouse.

perfect spouse

It may be the next morning or even ten minutes later, but reality has hit.  The smile on your spouse’s face isn’t as big as it was a few moments ago.  Social media isn’t singing your praises anymore.  The fame of your accomplishments seem to be dimming.  Your mind seems to be thinking “What should I do next? How do I get that feeling back? What do I need to do to regain the title again?”

But it’s nothing more than a hamster wheel.

hamster-wheel

This “hamster wheel” is an endless pursuit of something can never happen.  I watch/counsel people from all walks of life striving for the same thing: they want to have the perfect marriage by being the perfect spouse. 

I’ll admit as a marriage blogger/preacher/counselor, I admire the drive to be the perfect spouse.  It seems like a great accomplishment and something we should all strive to be.  

But here’s the problem: it’s not what your spouse needs from you. 

Huh?

I’ll say it this way: Your spouse doesn’t need you to be driven to be the perfect spouse.  Your spouse needs you to be driven to be the best man/woman of God possible.  

Let me explain…

As admirable as it seems to be, striving to be the perfect spouse can be extremely hazardous to your marriage. What I’ve learned from these type of people is they’re willing to do and/or sacrifice anything to look like that superhero to their spouse….even if it means lowering our standards and sacrificing their character. After all, our spouse is happy…isn’t that the point.

NO!

When you are DRIVEN to be “the perfect spouse”: 

  • Your decisions become about “what makes my spouse happy” as opposed to “what does my spouse/marriage need”.  After all, his/her happiness is everything to you. 
  • To protect your title of perfection, you shy away from confrontation by avoiding it instead of walking in truth. 
  • You overly spoil your spouse. Your actions are dictated by the wants of the marriage instead of the needs.
  • Your strength is derived from affirmation and recognition of your accomplishments.
  • You place your spouse at the center of your life instead of Christ.  

You can ask Anne, I love to take good care of her.  I love fulfilling her needs and serving her the way the Bible states.  But the worst thing I can do is make her the center of my life.  It’s the worst thing I can show my children.  

As flattered as your spouse will be, they don’t need you to be the perfect spouse.  They may say it, but it’s not going to help them or your marriage.  Why? Because it’s a hamster wheel that will only get you to a point where when you stop make them the center, they’ll inherently feel like the marriage is failing.  You’ve conditioned him/her in such an unhealthy addiction of being the center of everything. 

What your spouse needs is for you to be the best man/woman of God possible.  They need you to have Christ at the center of your life.  He/she needs you to be drawing your strength from the Holy Spirit.  I love what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:1: 

1 Corinthians 11:1 Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

Paul didn’t begin with himself.  His focal point came from who Christ is.  And it’s from that place that he was able to be the man he needed to be.  It was from that point that he became the leader that others, like you and me, needed him to be. 

THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND!!!

I’m not telling you to stop dating your spouse. 
I will not steer you away from speaking your spouse’s love language. 
Don’t stop showing humble, courteous, self-sacrificing love. 
I’m not advising you to ignore your marriage relationship.

What I am saying is: all of that should come from you keeping Christ in His rightful place as the center of your life.  Why? Because your marital actions will come from a place of truth, humility, grace, and unconditional love.  You’ll treat your spouse the way that Christ treats you.

And that’s what your spouse truly needs. 

You want to be a superhero to your husband/wife? Follow Jesus and give them THAT example to follow (1 Cor. 11:1).

Thanks for letting me ramble…

2 Minute Devo Series: Book of Matthew Day 20

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Welcome to our 2 Minute Devos. This month we’re going through the Book of Matthew. Take the time to read through the passage of the day and listen to the 2 Minute Devo.

Matthew 19

English Standard Version (ESV)

Teaching About Divorce

19 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him,“Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”[a]

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

Let the Children Come to Me

13 Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, 14 but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” 15 And he laid his hands on them and went away.

The Rich Young Man

16 And behold, a man came up to him, saying, “Teacher, what good deed must I do to haveeternal life?” 17 And he said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments.” 18 He said to him, “Which ones?” And Jesus said, “You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, 19 Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 20 The young man said to him, “All these I have kept. What do I still lack?” 21 Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” 22 When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

23 And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” 25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” 26 But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” 27 Then Peter said in reply, “See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?” 28 Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, in the new world,[b] when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold[c] and will inherit eternal life. 30 Butmany who are first will be last, and the last first.

2 Minute Devos: Crash – Day 22

Welcome to “Crash”…3 things to do every day:

Glorify God.
Pray over the daily prayer point.
Pray for the lost.
Today’s Scripture: Luke 5:18-25

And behold, some men were bringing on a bed a man who was paralyzed, and they were seeking to bring him in and lay him before Jesus, 19 but finding no way to bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the midst before Jesus. 20 And when he saw their faith, he said, “Man, your sins are forgiven you.” 21 And the scribes and the Pharisees began to question, saying, “Who is this who speaks blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” 22 When Jesus perceived their thoughts, he answered them, “Why do you question in your hearts? 23 Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Rise and walk’? 24 But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—he said to the man who was paralyzed—“I say to you, rise, pick up your bed and go home.” 25 And immediately he rose up before them and picked up what he had been lying on and went home, glorifying God.

Crash Prayer Card 4

Part 2 from our “Live Highlight Reel” service @kalamazoofirst

Highlight Reel "Live" service

On June 30th we had our “Live” service in which our plan was to share testimonies and then answer questions from the congregation. Because of how the Lord directed the service. We’ve had to re-adjust our approach to the questions by utilizing the blog to answer the questions. In Part 1, we started with four questions while we waited for the participating couples to read and give some replies. If you’ve missed Part 1 of this blog, check out “Follow up from our “Live Highlight Reel” service @kalamazoofirst

I sent off the questions that were submitted to ALL 4 couples. The couples chose different questions to answer.  Here’s our answers:

Will I ever find a woman?

Benny and Nicole Clark: I believe if you pray to GOD to find that right mate for you he will answer that prayer. You have to put action towards your prayer.

Ryan and Katie: Yes, they are everywhere.

What do women look for when choosing someone?…I wanna know everything

I’ll try to keep this one simple to answer…tough to carry out:
Connection (Spiritually, emotionally, etc)
Fun
Maturity
Responsibility
Security
Stability
Respect.

What have you done when it seems like you and your spouse are always headed in different directions?

Benny and Nicole Clark: I have been up front with her and told her how I felt @ that time. She has always been very, very up front with me also. Figure it out together as ONE…

Ryan and Katie: We’re not 100% sure what you mean by ‘always headed in different directions.’ In our life, we’ve experienced two kinds of ‘different directions’ so we’ll address both. The first version is a busy-life
version where you don’t see each other except when you pass the kid off, at dinner once a week and for about 15 minutes at bedtime before you pass out. This we’re-busy-and-always-running lifestyle was a huge contributor to the near death of our marriage. For us, the solution was dramatic: Ryan changed his work schedule from second to first shift and eventually changed careers altogether. Not everyone can make such a dramatic change. (Having said that, don’t eliminate the possibility completely – you might need to ask the Lord if you need to make dramatic change in order to make more room for your spouse. If He says yes, trust that He will make a way!) The fact of the matter is, a marriage where you and your spouse are always headed different directions provides a weak spot for the enemy to exploit. (For
example, he might put an attractive, like-minded person in your spouse’s path who’s always heading the same direction he/she is!) Don’t give the enemy a foothold!  We highly recommend that you make changes so that you are no longer ships passing in the night. Some practical things you can
do are:

  • Pre-plan time for just you and your spouse and treat it as sacred. You don’t have to spend money, but you at least need some quality time together.
  • Communicate as much as possible – daily phone calls to catch up, emails, text messages – whatever it takes so that your spouse feels like he/she is in the loop with what’s going on with you.
  • Say no to things. We discovered that there were a lot of harmless or good things – even ministry opportunities – that we needed to say no to because we needed to guard the limited time we had to spend quality time as a family/couple.
  • Ask yourself honestly if there’s something or someone in your life that you’re putting before your spouse? In our case, Katie had to halt her workaholic tendencies and spend less time at work. Ryan had to give up certain friendships that were damaging to our marriage.  For a long time we played the “You’re not being fair to me by asking me to give this up!” game, but when we chose to put the other person first, they were natural sacrifices to make.

The other kind of ‘headed in different directions’ we experienced has more to do with the fact that each spouse changes over time. Because we stopped spending time together, we started growing in opposite directions with different ideas about what we wanted in life. If you and your spouse seem to have completely different – perhaps conflicting – priorities in life, we recommend prayer. Ask God to give the two of you shared priorities. Then ask Him to help you understand the other person’s perspective. Look for ways to put them first – even small things. Talk openly about what you want and why; try not to be defensive. Also, listen openly.  Your spouse is speaking their mind, not reading yours. You won’t agree on everything, but at least you’ll still know each other. In our experience, you’ll get much farther by asking God to show you what you need to change or understand rather than praying for God to make
your spouse change his/her mind.

Have any of you had couples counseling and how was the experience? Did it help strengthen your marriage?

Lori & Scot:  Yes, we definitely did go to counseling.  It was helpful; certainly it helped Scot adopt a less confrontational and defensive style of discussing issues.  For Lori, the counselor helped her label and understand her own emotions.  The counselor could catch those moments when a conversation starts to “go off the rails” and point out the counterproductive styles or tactics so that they can be corrected before emotions get too raw.  It probably would have been even better if we had gone earlier in our marriage, before such serious problems had set in.  On the other hand, counseling is not a substitute for prayerful reflection on your own behavior.  Good habits must be practiced both inside and outside the counselor’s office.  The counselor can point out the problems, but changing is hard – often so hard you need the help of the Lord to really achieve it.

Is there one thing you wish you knew before you got married?

Ryan and Katie: The person you marry on your wedding day will be a different person five, 10, 20 and 50 years from now. We all change – hopefully in good ways. You won’t always have the same things in common. Your spouse won’t always enjoy the same hobbies and past times as they used to. Your perspectives on faith and politics and life’s goals are going to change. That’s another reason why (as Pastor Dave said in his July 1 blog) it’s important to be sure that you and your spouse share the same core beliefs and values – the things that don’t change, like a commitment to serving Jesus. It’s also a reason why you must decided in advance that you will love and be committed to this person through thick and thin because you are both going to evolve over time.

Lori & Scot:  Yes, we have both often felt that we had a very inadequate understanding of how much our families’ styles affected our assumptions about communications and conflict in a marriage.  What we’ve learned since then is that many of us come through our childhood with certain (often subconscious) injuries and hurts from our primary caregivers.  Usually, it was not that our parents meant to hurt us, but they were imperfect humans too.  It often leaves us with a longing, or a “hole,” that we hope our mate will fill.  Indeed, we often pick out mates that remind us in some way of our parents, but we’re always hoping that they will fulfill that longing.  It isn’t always the parent of the opposite gender we try to match.  Maybe you feel like your father, was a devout Christian and a highly moral man.  Yet, he was also distant and aloof, perhaps hard to please.  You might marry a wife who is also a good, moral Christian.  After a while, you may come to find that she too is hard to please.  But God’s love has no holes.  When we strive to become the best reflection of God’s love for our spouse, we improve ourselves in the process.  The good, moral Christian woman learns to show more appreciation and let her husband feel the long-sought approval for a job well done.  The little girl who never felt respected by her family for her ideas or intelligence probably craves that recognition from her husband when she’s a grown woman.  That husband grows himself when he learns to be more humble and listen respectfully to her good ideas.  One good resource to learn more about this concept is the book entitled Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix.

What has been one of the hardest compromises you had to make in your marriage?

I think it’s easy to make a list of the individual things that I, personally, feel was hard.  I could say, some hobbies, sports, time with friends, my work schedule, sex, etc.

What it breaks down to is my pride and selfishness.  They are what makes compromises hard.  When I don’t want to change and/or I want to get what I want, no matter what the issue is, compromise is difficult to do.  The other side of that coin is a spouse won’t make the same sacrifices.

What makes compromise easier (not necessarily easy) is when I choose to look through the eyes of my spouse and approach marriage for her benefit instead of my own. I’m to love her as Christ loved the church and therefore need to be willing to lay everything down. Again, this is a reciprocated relationship which means that we BOTH approach the marriage the same way; we both give, we both die to self, and, therefore, the marriage wins.  You don’t wait for your spouse to comprise first.  Take the leadership and show it before you see it.

Do you every feel competitive in your marriage? How do you deal with this?

Absolutely.  As a competitive person married to a competitive person, this comes very natural.  The problem with being competitive is it’s driven by pride and selfishness.  The heart behind it is personal gain. I’ll defer to what I said in the last question: What makes dealing with competition easier (not necessarily easy) is when I choose to look through the eyes of my wife and approach marriage for her benefit instead of my own. I cannot approach it for the personal win. I’m to love her as Christ loved the church and therefore need to be willing to lay everything down. Again, this is a reciprocated relationship which means that we BOTH approach the marriage the same way; we both give, we both die to self, and, therefore, the marriage wins.  You don’t wait for your spouse to serve first.  Take the leadership and show it before you see it.

How do you continue to stay committed to someone who doesn’t want to stay committed to the relationship?

Lori & Scot:  This was one of the hardest things for Scot in the divorce.  He really felt committed to Lori, but that feeling wasn’t reciprocated.  He went from being the chased to being the chaser,… and he made a lot of mistakes in the course of that chase.  Here are some of the lessons those mistakes taught us (read “Them” as the prodigal spouse):

Treat Them with Patience

When hoping for reconciliation with your spouse, always remember that the secret to peace is to accept and appreciate God’s timing.  Doubt or resentment can lead to despair or moving ahead without His advice.  Be patient waiting for God’s plan to reveal itself.

Treat Them with Calm

In our anguish and desperation to “solve the problem,” we often deny our spouse the space and peace they need to hear God’s voice speaking to them versus our pleas for reconciliation.  This is especially true for men who often want to be “Mr. Fix-It,” relentlessly focusing on solutions to the marital crisis and the goal of reuniting the family.  It’s important for your spouse to view you as a source of calm instead of turmoil.  Chances are they already have enough stress and turmoil going on inside their heads and hearts.

Treat Them with a Soft Heart

If we can recognize the injured child inside our spouse, we can certainly be more understanding of their current behaviors. It’s even better if we can provide the love, care, and encouragement needed for our spouse to overcome those past injuries.   Remember, despite the marital strife that might have gotten you to this point, to have a soft heart toward the injured child inside your spouse.

Speak Their Language

Dr. Gary Chapman believes that we all have a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love.  We can show love in many ways but Chapman outlines five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.  We often have a different love language than our spouse.  The things that make us feel loved and valued are different from those that make our spouses feel loved and valued.   Some people cite the Golden Rule as “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” but Chapman shows us that we have to dig a little deeper here and “do unto our spouse as they wish to have done unto them.”  It’s like traveling to a foreign country and trying to use the wrong currency.  If we go to England and try to pay our bills with Mexican pesos, they just won’t recognize the payment. They take pounds in England, not pesos.  Similarly, if we try to show our spouse how much we love them by buying them an expensive gift, but their love language is Quality Time; we just paid in the wrong currency.  This is particularly important to bear in mind when we are trying to reconcile with a prodigal spouse.  They’re already convinced you’re speaking a different language, but you’ve got to show them you know how to communicate your love in a language they value.

Treat Them with Honesty (and to thine own self be true)

Whether you or your spouse did something to compromise the trust in your relationship, we are all sinners and play a role in the current situations in our marriages.  Search your heart for thoughts or behaviors that have negatively affected your relationship – pray and eliminate them from your life.  Be honest with yourself as you examine these behaviors – after all, if you cannot be honest with yourself, you will never be able to be honest with your spouse.

Treat Them with Consistency (rebuild trust)

Consistently treat your spouse with patience, calmness, understanding, and love.  If your negative behavior or thinking was part of the reason they left, continue to show your spouse that you no longer exhibit these negative thoughts or behaviors.  Show them that the change in you is real.  Show them that they can be “safe” in your presence and that they can trust you to love them unconditionally.  Be supportive, encouraging, and positive in your interactions.

Treat Them with Grace

Reflect the grace that God has given you to your spouse.  Even if your spouse has done something to disrespect, hurt, or betray you, respond to them as God has responded to your sins and failures with undeserved grace.

Love Them Unconditionally

When your spouse is prodigal, your feelings of jealousy, anger, and resentment are “par for the course.” Unchecked, these emotions can corrode your inherent love for your spouse.  You must bear in mind how imperfect you are in the eyes of God, how often you have been unfaithful to Him and His purpose in your life.  Let God’s unconditional love for you, a flawed and sinful human being, be reflected in the way you love your spouse.  Indeed, your spouse may deliberately test your love, just to see how sincere you are, how real and unconditional your love truly is.  Only God can give you the strength to withstand these tests.  In The Love Dare, Steven and Alex Kendrick write that “The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.  The truth is that love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.”   They go on to say, “But you will struggle and fail to achieve this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you.  Love that ‘bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things’ (I Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within.  It can only come from God.”

Here are a few things not to do:

Don’ts

  • Don’t try to argue your spouse into reconciliation with logic or guilt
  • Don’t try to enlist the help of others (e.g., children, parents, brothers, or sisters) in convincing your spouse to reconcile – God is the best “convincer” you can have on your side
  • Don’t play holier than thou with your spouse – God will inspire them to change their ways better than you ever can, and you’re still a sinner no matter how much you may have improved yourself
  • Don’t try to rush or crowd your spouse when they show promising signs – let them control the pace and the proximity (sometimes the pace will be two steps forward and one step back)
  • Don’t view this as just a passing phase, something to get through until things “go back to normal” – “normal” was broken, or you wouldn’t be here
  • Don’t let your emotions get the better of you – pray for patience and calm
  • Don’t try to control all the outcomes – only God can do that
  • Don’t give up

Come back next week for Part 3 of this marriage blog!

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