It’s always been one of my favorite stories and it was just about the only form of premarital prep that my dad had before marrying my mom. Right before the ceremony, they began to throw a football together. My Uncle David looks at my father and says,
“Harold, how do you think God thinks about sex?”
I’m not sure how dad replied. But Uncle David’s reply was priceless,
“God thinks it’s great.”
Not sure where we get the idea that anyone, especially Christians, should be silent on the issue of sex. For some reason, we’ll shout from the rooftops all of the blessings that God has given us but we stay strangely silent on the issue. But with our (the church) silence, I believe, we’ve seen a toll taken upon our world. We can blame Hollywood or any type of media outlet. I’m of the opinion that we (the church) stayed silent over something God wasn’t silent about. Since no one stepped up to the mic, someone else did. And now we are playing catch-up with a deranged understanding of this awesome and amazing gift given to our marriage by God himself.
My heart behind todays blog is to help bring liberty and freedom to married couples. Again, sex is a gift from God. Like any gift from God, Satan would love to pervert the truth as to change it into the image that he desires. In fact the definition of the word “pervert” is, “alter (something) from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.” And that’s exactly what he’s accomplishing.
God desires you to have a prosperous sex life in your marriage, yet there are some things we do to sabotage the enjoyment. Like everything from God, we are called to be stewards. And yes, you are to be a steward of your sex life as to not damage this blessing.
Here we go, 7 ways to sabotage your sex life:
1. Use guilt. Manipulating the emotions of your spouse might win you a battle or two but you’ll lose the war. Using guilt is wrong and abusive and it’ll make your spouse despise the every act that is supposed to bring your marriage joy. I’ve always taught: God uses conviction; Satan uses guilt. Conviction is a job of the Holy Spirit to prod us to move forward. Guilt, by design, wants to keep us in a place of blame. You’re not the Holy Spirit so stop trying to convict your spouse and/or stop acting like Satan and guilting your spouse. Guilt is not your role.
2. Wait till you are in the mood. Sex not a gift just for the spouse with the higher libido. It is a gift from God for you both. Imagine with me, your love language is “Quality Time” and your spouse responds to that need with “I’m not in the mood.” Or maybe you’re a “Words of Affirmation” person and desire conversational intimacy but what you get is “No thanks, I don’t feel like that today.” In the words of my amazingly wise wife, you are the only one in this world that can sexually satisfy your spouse. Regardless of what your love language is, we are called to serve our spouse (not just sexually). Be open and be creative. Take some steps forward, not out of guilt or condemnation, but out of a genuine heart to fill your spouse’s “love tank” to FULL. If your marriage is made up of two people desiring to serve each other (pouring into your spouse’s needs), the two of you will never run on EMPTY.
3. Invite pornography into your marriage. As I stated in my blog “Eviction Notices,” This is not just a male issue. Both men and women can be stimulated by pornography and seduced into thinking it’s a help for their marriage. The goal of pornography is to skew the authentic with fantasy. Whether its “Visual” or “Emotional” porn, it is a huge stumbling block for couples and causes tremendous sexual issues. Two of my biggest reasons is it causes an unhealthy view of the female body as well as an unhealthy sexual expectations. Top it off with the addictive nature of porn devised to make you dependent upon it, you then have a monster that isn’t worth the amount of space it will take up in your thoughts. Like a thirsty man crawling through the desert after a mirage, pornography has you crawling toward an illusion that will leave you constantly in want.
4. Comparison with other couples. We all get caught doing it. We listen to another couples and/or see their marriage lived out on social media. Comparison can be dangerous because it either puts us in a place of condemnation or competition with/by other couples…both of which are extremely unhealthy in marriage. Just as you are uniquely made by God, the two of you as a couple are unique in your oneness. Simply said, you two are not called to do and act like other couples when it comes to their marriage practices. Yes, there will be characteristics we all possess as we strive to have our marriages reflect Christ. But the manner and frequency will differ based upon the two people who make up the marriage. When it comes to the frequency of sex, there is no magic number. Assuming someone else has a BETTER quality sex life because they have more quantity isn’t a healthy mindset (not that I’m against quantity). But comparison will break you down and take your satisfaction from your spouse and place it upon the opinions of others.
5. Make intimacy all about intercourse. Intimacy is the culmination of a day and not just a few moments in a bedroom. Sex is bigger than intercourse. It’s bigger than foreplay. It encapsulates the way you text, call, serve, respond, and look at each other throughout the day. A great way to sabotage your sex life is to think that what takes place between the sheets is completely disconnected from the rest of life. Open your eyes. Perhaps he/she is struggling to respond to you because you haven’t responded to him/her all day.
6. Stop having fun together. You can’t discount fun in a marriage. Dates cannot be rare occasions. Anne and I, early in our marriage, didn’t have much money or ability to just leave the house because of two little ones. It didn’t stop us from enjoying time with each other. From projects and walks together to watching shows on our laptop, we found ways to engage in “fun” things that we both enjoy doing together. Laughing together is good for the heart, good for the soul, and can stir the libido. Fun is mandatory inside and outside of the bedroom. Learn to enjoy each other.
7. Ignore past hurts. It’s painful to remove a splinter in your hand. What’s even more painful is to wait thinking it’ll go away. The longer you wait, the deeper the actual wound will get. First, if you have past sexual hurts that you have carried into your marriage, tell your spouse and let him/her help you. Remember, the two became one. What is your issues is his/her issue and you move forward together. Second, please get some help ASAP. You’ve held onto it long enough and that hurt has no right in your life. Find a local Christian counselor that specializes in this and begin the road to healing. The healing that comes from the atonement of the cross includes our deepest hurts.
I end with this…
Proverbs 5:18-19 Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone FILL you with delight.
A key word (amongst many key words) in this passage is “FILL.” Just as much as sex is a gift from God, you are a gift to your spouse. You are the ONLY ONE that is equipped to “FILL” your spouse with “delight.” If you are in a place of hurt or confusion, please seek Godly help. Don’t wait on it. I’ve never met a couple that had a healthy sex life that got divorced. I think the biggest reason behind that is they’ve learned to serve each other by “delighting” their spouse. And if your spouse is full, there is no room for Satan to work with.
Thanks for letting me ramble…