Marriage blog: Unnatural Aphrodisiac


Basil, figs, oysters, strawberries, avocados, and, of course, chocolate are just a few of the many of the foods that  have been rumored to have aphrodisiac properties. By definition, an aphrodisiac is a food, drink, or substance that increases sexual desire. How do foods like these accomplish that task? They can reduce stress, increase blood flow, and/or positively affect the neurotransmitters in your brain all of which can improve or affect your libido. Hey, I’m all in for a higher libido in my wife, but serving her a plate of Fig Newtons and Oysters is a bit too obvious and, quite frankly, not an appealing combo.


I can’t tell you which natural aphrodisiac works best.  I’m not a doctor nor a nutritionist.  (My medical knowledge is limited to my dvd collection of M*A*S*H.)  I imagine everyone responds to different foods…well…differently. But if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past 15+ years of marriage is what, I found, is the most affective aphrodisiac is THE unnatural one.

Let me explain.

In the midst of our sex-craved culture, we find a heart of selfishness.  Selfishness is natural. It drives individuals and ultimately destroys intimacy. Couples fight about that all the time. Everything is about “what I need to meet MY desires.” People, therefore, resort to actions in order to position their spouse into a mood to have their personal needs met. Proverbs 18:1 says, “An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.” Selfishness produces unfriendly spouses. Unfriendly spouses defy any type of wise judgement. Unfriendly spouses destroy sexual desire in their marriages. Again, you don’t have to teach selfishness.  It’s just natural.

I understand needs.  I believe that your “needs” (not wants) need to be met. But I’d challenge you go after the ultimate unnatural aphrodisiac: Serving.

There’s nothing so counter-productive to marital intimacy as selfishness.  But there’s also nothing so potent to growing  AND increasing intimacy as serving. Proverbs 11:25 says “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” Simply stated: if you want an enriched sex life stop being selfish (“one who waters“)…learn to “bring blessings” by serving your spouse.

Serving isn’t natural.
Serving punches pride in the face.
Serving says, “it’s not about me.”
Serving says, “my spouse comes first.”
Serving takes hard work.

What Anne and I would love to speak into you on Valentines day is when it comes to intimately “serving” your spouse, remember: 

1. Your spouse’s needs are a gift to you. This is a perspective change you need to have. Instead of seeing your spouse’s needs as an inconvenience to you.  You need to see them as opportunity to bless your spouse.  Serving helps the perspective change and chases away selfishness.

2. Look for ways to serve with no strings attached. Find what melts your spouses heart and serve with no expectations. Get out of the mode that you are doing something to get something.  That’s called “selfishness.”

3. Intimacy doesn’t always have to do with sex.  When you are serving and meeting intimate needs, you need to get out of your mind that all intimate needs are sexual.  Again, if you serve and it’s laced with selfish expectations, your severing wasn’t serving at all.

4. When it comes to sexual intimacy needs, you are the ONLY ONE who can serve your spouse. No one in person, on a computer, or on a movie screen can and should meet your spouses sexual needs other than you.  It puts a heavy responsibility on you to make sure you are consistently meeting those needs.  That may seem cumbersome.  But if you BOTH are serving each other, you’ll discover more fun than you’ve every experienced.

Valentines day is the perfect day to start a new trend.  Begin to live out Proverbs 11:25 and enrich your marital intimacy with the unnatural aphrodisiac.

Serve your spouse.

Thanks for letting me ramble…

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