This is a continuation of our post of two weeks ago. If you missed it, “Ineffective Husbands” debuted with a focus on challenging husbands to be students of their wives. Click onto the link if you missed it.
Today, Anne (my wife for those who don’t know who she is) is joining me blogging today. We figure, this thing of pursuing your spouse by asking the right questions goes both ways. Wives need to do this as much as husbands do.
TRUTH: Taking a husband for granted produces an irrelevant wife. In fact, the word “irrelevant” means: not related, not applicable, unimportant, not connected. Learning to ask the right questions, at the proper time, in the proper manner is an art form. BUT it an art form that is taken for granted. As a wife, you assume he can read minds, tones, and “hints.” When assumption sets in, the enemy plays games with your mind and produces a desire not to be close, not to be connected, and to see him/your relationship with him as unimportant.
In the Bible, Job loses his children, his possessions, and his health. Job’s wife turns up after he’s been struck with boils. Seeing her husband calamity, she bursts out, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9). We forget something: Job isn’t the only one going through this. She is as well. Other than the boils, she has endured the trials. Her response signifies that she and her husband are on two different wave lengths. There is a lack of closeness. There is a breach in connection. His integrity is unimportant (and apparently his life is as well).
Wives, husbands are much simpler than you think. When he is asked, “how is your day?” The response “fine” has no hidden meaning. He’s not hiding anything. It was fine. It’s that simple. When you ask things like, “are you hungry?”, “do you want to have sex?”, “do you want to stay home while I go to the mall?”, he’ll answer with a simple answer. Yes. There, usually, isn’t a ton of hidden meaning in it. We say this to prep you for some of their answers. It our hope that husbands will give you more than simple answers but honest answers.
Now that we made men out to be cavemen, here we go. Anne wants to give you 10 questions to ask your husband:
#1 – What’s your idea of a fun evening out on a date with me?
Be prepared for you to NOT hear: “let’s watch The Notebook.” Ladies, as Dave said in his last blog, your idea of a romantic evening may not have anything to do with sex. His may revolve around it. Let him be creative with a date. So many times he’ll tailor make it to please you. Make the date about him even if it’s includes chili dogs instead of gourmet food.
#2 – Do you feel admired and respected?
Jesus reminds us what was written in Genesis. Mark 10:8, says “and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one” When he isn’t edified and respected by the person he became one with, something is missing. He could be the CEO of a company and hold the respect and admonition of every worker. But if he doesn’t have yours, he’ll feel incomplete. Don’t wait for him to “earn” it. Lavish him with it. Where emotional affairs begin with men is when the role of respect and admonition are being filled by someone else other than you.
#3 – How can I flirt with you? or What’s attractive to you?
Guy’s by nature are hunter and pursuers. I’ll give you a hint about men: they LOVE to be pursued. They want to be flirted with. Find out what catches his eye. Is it a slap on the butt? A subtle wink across the room? Is it words of kindness instead of criticism? What catches his eye and conveys to him that he’s at the center of your desire? Just ask. Just like what was written to the men. What attracts you may not work on him. Also, don’t assume he’s going to say “lingerie attracts me” (or the lack thereof). You might be surprised at his answers.
#4 – In what ways can I be a better helpmate?
Genesis 2:18. This is a tough question that will take some humility and vulnerability. From you, it’ll take having big shoulders to take. The answers, if they’re open and honest, might not be easy to hear. But it’s necessary. In Genesis, Eve was given as a helpmate. Not a servant or slave. But someone to come along side of Adam to serve with him.
#5 – How can I encourage you?
1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “So encourage each other and build each other up…” Guys thrive on encouragement. Think of when they were boys, they would show off their accomplishments. Maybe it was a trophy, an award, a varsity jacket, or some certificate on the wall. Boys are always wanting people to know what they have accomplished. Why? It’s the “atta boy” that follows (for those of you with sons, you know what Dave and I are talking about). As adults, it’s not necessarily “atta boy” statements to feed some ego. It’s authentic encouragement to edify them as a companion, provider, lover, and defender.
#6 – When do you feel the most valued/loved?
This has a flavor of #5 in it. Where there is a difference is some men feel valued by different actions. Some men feel valued by words. Some feel valued by actions. Some by gifts…now we’re getting back into the love languages. Your husband may need a minute to think about it. But, there’s a good chance if you asked him, “when don’t you feel valued,” you may get a quicker answer.
#7 – What makes you laugh?
Be prepared. The dumbest movie, in your opinion, may get mentioned. But be careful. If you demean everything that he enjoys, you will demean him. It will come off as if you have a superiority complex and hold maturity he will never have. Find out what brings a smile to his face.
#8 – Do I make you want to come home?
Is your home a safe atmosphere for him to come home to? I had a friend tell me a few years ago, when he came back from a business trip, his wife said, “It was kinda nice to have you away.” What issue exists that a spouse wants you out of the house for a few days? What issues exist that make him NOT want to rush home. This question will make you do some self-evaluation. Is the atmosphere of the home a place that welcomes him? Is they way he’s received give him reason to start new projects and, thus, work later? Send him emails, texts, etc. that have tones of flirtation, love, and admonition. Make your home safe and a place of healing
#9 – How can I be your armor bearer?
1 Samuel 14 speaks of two people going into battle. It was Jonathan and his armor bearer. When Jonathan asked if the armor bearer was willing to follow him into battle. The reply is outstanding. “Do all that you have in mind,” his armor-bearer said. “Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.” Does your husband feel that, whatever the Lord has spoken to him, you are with him “heart and soul?” This question answers the question: Do you allow your husband to take the lead? The armor bearer went into a precarious situation. But he let Jonathan lead.
#10 – How can I pray for you?
Wives are great prayer warriors. You may be praying over him. BUT does he know that. Have you told him? Have you every sent him a text right after you prayed for him? Have you asked him about work situations that need prayer? Let him be reminded that you are standing in prayer with him every day. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “Never stop praying.”
I hope every wife feels challenged to pursue their husband. Don’t be in irrelevant wife. Bring back the closeness. Bring back connection. Make sure he knows he’s important to you.
Thanks babe (Anne) for sharing and working with me on this blog!
Till next week…
Thanks for letting US ramble….